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I don't know what to do.
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Submitted by Impaled_I3unny
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Hi all, I'm new to this site. I really need to vent to any human that I can. I have no one else to talk to,and no one understands me. I'm 19 yrs old and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years this July,and we live together in an apartment and we have major stress from our colleges and bills.
My problem is he is such a damn liar and I think he may have a mental illness. He's lying about something so stupid and little: smoking.He used to before he had met me, but quit b/c he didn't like the effects it was having with his asthma, and he knew I didn't like it. This has been going on for a little over a year now. The first time I found out, I found a pack of them in his car last Aug. And he even tried denying that they were his, and said someone had broken into his car and left them there. Then, he broke down and fessed up. I could tell something was wrong all last summer b/c he was always so distant.
Well, now it's happened again. But, I don't think he ever really "quit"; which was his own decision...I told him I'd love him either way if he smoked or not..I was there for him. Last December I came home from work on a Sunday night and found a cig. butt in the toilet. I asked him why it was there, and he says he has no clue and that if I don't start trusting him he will leave. Then, about 2 weeks ago,I found a receipt in his car on the floor for 2 packs of cigs. I asked him about it, and he went nuts. This time, he got physical with me. He tried to push me out of the car, punched my arms, threw his car keys at me,and his wallet and told me to leave the apartment. The apartment lease is in my name btw. He will not leave.
He denies the entire thing when I have physical evidence. He believes his own lies. It scares me.
I have no where to go/no friends,I have no money,I'm in college,no job, and I have my 3 dogs. I am so lost and I don';t know what to do. He won't even sit down to talk about it b/c to him, there is nothing to talk about...he doesn't think he smokes. This has put a HUGE wedge between us and his mind games with making me 2nd guess myself have hurt me so bad. I also was physically and emotionally abused growing up in my home;I know his behavior is wrong.I want to see a professional for myself but I have no insurance.
I am just so lost and confused and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is so long. It probly makes no sense to anyone or sounds petty, but I needed to type out my feelings I've been holding inside. If you have any advice it's more than welcome. Thanks for reading
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COMMENTS
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ok, babe,
I am going to be 30 next month, I got goosebumps when I read your posting. I was in a relationship with a live in boyfriend, too. He too lied about things and then turned it around to make me feel like it was my fault. He made me feel like I was crazy for accusing him. I did feel like I was loosing my mind. He also cheated on me. He was leading a double life. Super sweet most of the time, but very bad temper and always made me feel like it was my fault. It WAS NOT my fault. And it is NOT your fault!!!
It wasn't smoking that he lied about, it was drinking. he had all the signs of classic alcoholism. But thats not my point. My point is- he is manipulating you. The lying WILL continue. It will probably get worse. The small little fights and little bits of abuse WILL get bigger and more violent. My EX (thats right after 5 years, I finally got the courage to take my life back) started out by just yelling and slamming doors. That moved up to punching holes in the doors and walls of our apartment (also in my name). That moved on to pushing me on the floor. Then throwing things he knew were sentimental to me. He continued tearing me down.
I had always considered myself to be a strong and independent woman. He destroyed every sense of self worth and self esteem. Honey, my advise to you is to RUN! It will not be easy. I too had bills and not enough money. Get out while you are still young. There is plenty of opportunity out there for you. Don't waste your time with him, I promise, It will only get worse. I moved back in with my mom at the age of 28. not an easy thing to do, but the best move I have ever made. My life greatly improved after I left him.
He cost me a lot of money, heartache and time that I will never get back. But I learned from my mistakes and I know how to spot the bad guys now. I know you can do it. Good luck! write back and let me know how things are.
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i think other people gave you really good advice. I agree with the girl who said you should possibly stay someone where else for a little bit. You have to remember this, he is lying about the cigarettes, or maybe drugs he does. But he is lying to you because he knows you don't like it. Sweetie, if he is lying about cigs it will only get worse in the future. This guy is not marriage material, he will abuse you and you will feel like you are stuck times ten, and you can't leave because now you have kids and you need to stick out for the faimly. I am sure you want kids one day and imagine if laying a hand on them. You wouldnt stand for it, but you are letting yourself get abused.
1. He has a temper, because if he didnt he would of never layed a hand on you.
2. You love him so you feel like you can work it out. Just so you know he will hit you again. There is no open discussions that can fix what he did to you. He sees nothing wrong with what he did to you. If he did find somehting wrong with it, he would of never of done that to you because you are his baby and his everything. He doesn't respect you. I want you to leave him noting to do with the cigrattes but because he hit you. Because of his temper. And, he is a liar.
3. If I was you I would stay out of his way. If you want to enjoy your love again, and pretend like nothing ever happen you can. And I know being in a relationship and knowning you wont be with him forever, but enjoying what you have right now, is good. I have been there. But, a guy has never hitted me that is why you must think of a plan to get out. You can write to me whenever you can. I am here for you and I will listen. My email is js7287@aol.com.
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Hopefully this applies to American universities as well as Canadian ones. If you are enrolled in a college, I am sure the school has their own counsellors that are willing and open to speak to you about what you're going through. School consellors can range from professional counsellors to student volunteer counsellors, but all are trained to talk about things like this and may help you seek out the help you need, for yourself and your boyfriend. Go to the school health services and ask to speak to someone. I am sure they will have someone or some information on a place you can go for free to speak to someone about it.
If you believe your boyfriend really does have a serious issue with smoking or lying, then you should most definitely seek out some kind of help for him and yourself. Don't be afraid to go to a school counsellor for it. This is their job. And they have the resources to help you.
Good luck and be safe.
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hey gal,
your situation is bad and believe me it's not going to get any better unless you discuss this with him. OPEN up the communication lines between you to, by expressing your feelings and telling him exactly how you feel. firstly, you have so much to live for and i think it is too soon for you two to have moved in together andbecause there is srtill a lot that you guys still have to discover about each other! you are young and were really holding yourself back when you moved in with him. now its pintless for me to talk in the past tense but you need to comminucate with him and then get your self out of this by 1st moving out!
the streesees and pressures of your relationship are way over board and i see that you hate living with a liar. i guy who lies has a problem. he sounds like a pahtological liar to me and you need to get away real fast because it is going to get worse. you have every right to believe that he mentally ill. now that you have realised it, get out of it!
i'll chec on you later, galfrend!
lebor
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stay as far away from him as possible
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